The Art of Womanhood

I am getting involved in a program that I am very excited about called the Art of Womanhood. (www.artofwomanhood.org) I have been looking for a long time for some way to continue my own education and work on my unique gifts and mission, without neglecting my family. I also hoped that when I found the right opportunity, it would be something that would enhance my family life and bless them too. I think I have found that in this program. They offer distance courses to women all over the world who are interested in making a difference in the world through their unique roles as women. Each course is taught by a mentor, who talks with the students individually on a regular basis to help them evaluate themselves, set goals, tailor their actions to their unique purposes, and apply what they learn in their lives. The groups meet by phone or in person if they are near a mentor to discuss their readings, and journal their thoughts as well as writing assignments. Each woman is encouraged throughout the process to spend time daily with her higher power (for me that's prayer to God) and reading her core books (for me that is the scriptures), and compare what she reads in the curriculum materials (classic books) with what she learns from those. Each married woman is also encouraged to rely on her husband for insight and strength. My classes start next month. I am excited to begin!

Pioneering

Here is a picture of me and my baby on a pioneer trek. What a wonderful experience it was, although I was quite afraid to do it with a baby! I came away from the experience knowing I can face the trials in my life, although different than the pioneers, if I walk with God. The baby was so very patient with the hiking in 100 plus degree heat. There were also many helping hands along the trail. I was in the last company, and usually the last in line, and I didn't feel all that helpful pushing the cart, but I learned a lot from my experience. Here are some things I learned:

Enjoy the journey - if you are at the bottom of the mountain, don't spend time wishing you were at the top. Trust you will get there, and enjoy the view from where you are and the chance to serve those who are down there with you.

Pray always - I knew it would be hard so I called on God continually. When I go about my 'ordinary' life, which doesn't appear to be so hard and full of peril, but because of temptations really is, I need his power. Despite not seeing the mountains in front of me, I need to pray mightily each day.

Small things can be great - even the menial tasks can be great when done with the spirit and love.

Take time to be grateful and see how far you've come - we stopped at the top of a huge mountain. If the company hadn't stopped to meditate, pray, and see how far we'd come and thank Heavenly Father, I would have missed the opportunity in my haste to always keep moving. I often miss the joyful moments and fail to see my progress because at the top of one mountain I see another looming and just keep walking, discouraged. It is good to stop and be refreshed and grateful.

I feel a sense of purpose now as a pioneer of my own day, facing invisible but just as perilous opposition in trying to do good. I have a journey to take and I need faith and strength to do it, just as they did.

Irony, or Hypocrisy?

I experience an ironic situation almost every day, one that leaves me wondering which part of me is genuine, or if both are, or neither. Let me explain. Every day I try to pray and read my scriptures, sometimes also trying to record insights in a journal. Every day while I am doing these things, I am interrupted by children fighting, screaming, hurting eachother, or doing something dangerous. It is quite the dialogue:
Me: Dear Lord, please help me to be kind and loving to my children today...
Child: Mom! J**** is taking my star wars ships! (child hits other child)
Me to Child: Stop hurting your brother! Can't you guys share! Now please get along, I just need 5 minutes of peace so I can finish my prayers...
Me: Where was I - oh yes, Please help me to be kind and loving to my children today and find joy in them...
Child: Mom! Come now! E*** is getting into the paints and they're all over the wall!
Me: Argh! I'm coming!
etc
etc
This goes on ad infinitum.
Me pleading for help to be a good mommy, while stopping in between sentences to get after, referree, and lose my temper with the kids. I try to continue to pray on the run, to pray always throughout my day. But sometimes it seems so hypocritical to even try. I know I can be a good Mom when I am alone with the Lord in peace. But once the kids are factored in (which of course are a necessary component of motherhood) my resolves seem to fly out the window. Sometimes I choose to ignore the kids and act like I can't hear them banging my door down, if I can determine from the information given that no one is in bodily harm. I try to take the time I need to compose myself if that is an option. But I wish I could find that inner peace when it actually comes time for the proving of it - anyone can be peaceful in a quiet room if they try at all, but when you are surrounded daily with screaming children (whether screaming with delight or because they are upset, it is still screaming) it is the utmost test. I only hope that my occasional successful attempts become closer together and more frequent. What I seek certainly is a 'peace that passes all understanding,' as anyone who visits my house would not understand how anyone could feel peaceful in such surruoundings. But peace is there sometimes, and I know it is possible. So I keep praying my interrupted prayers and I keep coming back to finish them. I will never be finished praying.

Patience and Faith

This morning I read an article called 'The Power of Patience' by Robert C Oaks. He says in it that patience and faith in God are strongly linked. I never thought about patience this way - I never thought that lack of patience might indicate a lack of faith. But it does make sense. If I have faith in the power of God to save, and in the atonement, I will not condemn my neighbor, or my child or my husband. If I have faith in the promises He has made to me, that I can do all things through Him, I will not become discouraged and impatient when things are hard or are not happening on my timetable. If I trust in His ability to save and I am doing my best, I don't need to be fearful and impatient with myself when I stumble - I can trust that He knows my heart and seek forgiveness quickly rather than beating myself up for taking soo long to become perfect! I think much of my impatience with others stems from impatience with myself, not having faith that God is working His purposes in me and I will become all I am meant to be in time. I don't see the fruits yet so I have a hard time believing they will come.

I do the same with my kids sometimes. Instead of looking forward in faith to a blessed future for them, I see their little mistakes and worry that they are starting down the wrong road and might never come back. If I could have more faith in their innate goodness, in all they can become with God's help, I would parent more out of love than fear. Our interactions would be trusting and joyful more often. I could deal with the little shortcomings and missteps in others and myself. I am seeing more and more how Faith, Hope, and Charity (which could also be called patience and many other things) are all one and interconnected. If I want any of the three, I have to work on the others. If I gain one, I also start to gain the others because of it. So maybe I will start praying for an increase of faith rather than praying for patience.

What makes me happy

I am reading a wonderful book called 'The Frightful and Joyous Journey of Family Life' by Wallace Goddard. I will tell you more about it when I am finished with it. In the last chapter I read, he gave a suggestion to write down everything you can think of that makes you happy. That sounds simple but it took some thought for me, as I haven't considered that much lately. It is easy to just get in a rut and do whatever I usually do, but I think this list will help me choose to do things that make me happy more often. So here goes:

What makes me happy?

Doing anything with my husband
Dancing
Singing
Being part of something important
Spending time with good friends
Playing with the kids
Being outside, going for walks
Going for bike rides
Good music
Good books
Making something beautiful, being artistic
Cheesecake, or any kind of pie
Gardening, even the weeding
Flowers - fresh cut, wild, growing in my garden, silk, any kind!
Decorating
Playing my flute
Quiet moments
Watching the sun rise or set
Praying, especially in gratitude
Christmas caroling
Sitting on the porch swing with my husband and/or kids
Watching funny or romantic movies
Getting dressed up or dressing up my baby girl
Sincere gratitude or compliments from others
Being able to help someone
Getting letters or packages
Hugs and Kisses from my kids
Hugs, kisses, and more from my husband
Having people trust me and come to me for advice
Seeing new places, travelling
Doing projects as a family
Making progress that I can see
That Newborn baby smell
Anticipation of good things to come
Feeling pretty
The color Purple in any variation
My husband's laugh
Yummy smells, like Vanilla and Jasmine
Candles
Romance
Watching my kids learn and grow
A clean, pretty house
The feeling when I have finished organizing a closet or shelf
Doing embroidery
When my kids are loving to eachother
When my kids are obedient and kind
Scrapbooking and taking pictures of my family
Having friends or relatives over
Going to the Temple
Baby laughs, dimples, and smiles
Learning new things
Going to concerts and plays
Family traditions
Bubble Baths

more later....

Why I am a Mommy

I have thought about this a lot. When I first started this career, I wondered why I was a Mommy because I had a hard time feeling the value of my role as a Mom. Yes, I knew that my kids' survival depended on me. But I couldn't help feeling like what I was doing was less important then some other things, simply because no one seemed to notice what I was doing, other than little ones who couldn't talk and took all I did for granted. Then I got over that for the most part. I learned how valuable a Mother is, and how those behind the scenes in history were the ones really responsible for shaping it, as much if not more than all those famous people. I defended motherhood to others and encouraged others in it, and found my conviction growing. I can say now that I am fully convinced that being a mother is more valuable to society than any other thing I could be doing.

On bad days I still wonder sometimes though, why God allowed me to be a Mommy, when I don't feel all that great at it. It seems like other Mothers, especially those who choose to stay home with their kids like I do, and Especially those who choose to homeschool like I do, enjoy their children immensely. And, while I do love my children unequivically, and I want to be here with them, I struggle with it too. I am, by nature, a lover of order, peace, quiet, beauty, maturity, and people who act in an adult fashion. I have always been this way - even as a child I wanted to be an adult and tried to be very mature. I don't think I learned to play very well. I have a hard time enjoying and appreciating the parts of life that are messy, loud, chaotic, stinky, unorganized, silly, and childish. I realize that this is a character flaw in myself, and that I would enjoy all of life more, not just my children, if I could become more childlike and take myself a little less seriously. Still, it is a struggle. You know that joke about how after 3 children, you spend a large part of your day hiding from them? Well, I do that. I am usually just trying to get my bearings and prepare myself to smile and be there for them. Or I am trying to accomplish just one little thing uninterrupted and claim a small victory for the day. But the true victory would be if I could live amongst my children joyfully, delighting in their interruptions and their wanting to share their days and their messes with me. Sometimes that happens, and those moments are sweet and wonderful. But they don't come often enough.

I know I am meant to be their Mommy. I know that home with them is where I am meant to be. But I think the reason I am a Mommy is mostly not for their sake - it is because being a Mommy is the best, hardest course in becoming like a child, which is what we are all supposed to become. It forces me to let the tornado of childhood and full blown life into my world and chips away at my formerly polished facade to reveal what I really am inside. All this causes no small degree of discomfort, but it is the only way to reach the soft part inside me and make room for it to grow. It seems such a slow process, and sometimes I wonder if I have made any progress at all in my ten years of childrearing. But I know that if my goal is a new heart, the one God wants for me, it will need to be a Mother heart. Spending every day with my children certainly is the ideal proving ground for learning and practicing the virtues I need, to be more like Him - patience, charity, long suffering, service, faith, joy, gratitude, humilty, etc. A Godly 'Mother Heart' needs to be filled with all of these and more. The Lord gave me children so that someday my heart can grow to be a Mother heart, a heart like my Heavenly parents have for me, and that is Why I am a Mommy.

Blog: Lost and Found

I finally found my blog again! I have missed blogging, although with a new baby I don't know how often I will post.

I feel like somewhat of a different person since last time I blogged, even though it was only a little over a year ago. Since then, I have had a baby (finally another female in the house besides me! So exciting!), been involved in a homeschool boys club, been on a pioneer trek, learned to garden, applied for college classes at George Wythe College (haven't gone yet - 'nother story), done some sewing (baby girls induce the desire to sew pretty things!), been camping and travelling in the National Parks, experienced most of my friends moving away (thank goodness for the internet!), and enrolled in a course on the Art of Womanhood www.artofwomanhood.org

Now, if that wasn't the longest run on sentence ever! I am famous for them. I just have way too much to say! Anyway, I'm back and hoping to be better than ever! (my eternal hope)