Why I am a Mommy

I have thought about this a lot. When I first started this career, I wondered why I was a Mommy because I had a hard time feeling the value of my role as a Mom. Yes, I knew that my kids' survival depended on me. But I couldn't help feeling like what I was doing was less important then some other things, simply because no one seemed to notice what I was doing, other than little ones who couldn't talk and took all I did for granted. Then I got over that for the most part. I learned how valuable a Mother is, and how those behind the scenes in history were the ones really responsible for shaping it, as much if not more than all those famous people. I defended motherhood to others and encouraged others in it, and found my conviction growing. I can say now that I am fully convinced that being a mother is more valuable to society than any other thing I could be doing.

On bad days I still wonder sometimes though, why God allowed me to be a Mommy, when I don't feel all that great at it. It seems like other Mothers, especially those who choose to stay home with their kids like I do, and Especially those who choose to homeschool like I do, enjoy their children immensely. And, while I do love my children unequivically, and I want to be here with them, I struggle with it too. I am, by nature, a lover of order, peace, quiet, beauty, maturity, and people who act in an adult fashion. I have always been this way - even as a child I wanted to be an adult and tried to be very mature. I don't think I learned to play very well. I have a hard time enjoying and appreciating the parts of life that are messy, loud, chaotic, stinky, unorganized, silly, and childish. I realize that this is a character flaw in myself, and that I would enjoy all of life more, not just my children, if I could become more childlike and take myself a little less seriously. Still, it is a struggle. You know that joke about how after 3 children, you spend a large part of your day hiding from them? Well, I do that. I am usually just trying to get my bearings and prepare myself to smile and be there for them. Or I am trying to accomplish just one little thing uninterrupted and claim a small victory for the day. But the true victory would be if I could live amongst my children joyfully, delighting in their interruptions and their wanting to share their days and their messes with me. Sometimes that happens, and those moments are sweet and wonderful. But they don't come often enough.

I know I am meant to be their Mommy. I know that home with them is where I am meant to be. But I think the reason I am a Mommy is mostly not for their sake - it is because being a Mommy is the best, hardest course in becoming like a child, which is what we are all supposed to become. It forces me to let the tornado of childhood and full blown life into my world and chips away at my formerly polished facade to reveal what I really am inside. All this causes no small degree of discomfort, but it is the only way to reach the soft part inside me and make room for it to grow. It seems such a slow process, and sometimes I wonder if I have made any progress at all in my ten years of childrearing. But I know that if my goal is a new heart, the one God wants for me, it will need to be a Mother heart. Spending every day with my children certainly is the ideal proving ground for learning and practicing the virtues I need, to be more like Him - patience, charity, long suffering, service, faith, joy, gratitude, humilty, etc. A Godly 'Mother Heart' needs to be filled with all of these and more. The Lord gave me children so that someday my heart can grow to be a Mother heart, a heart like my Heavenly parents have for me, and that is Why I am a Mommy.